I still remember the day I was raped as if it was yesterday. Not that I really want to. But I guess it’s something I won’t forget, ever.
Actually it was a beautiful day. Despite having a bad back injury since more than 3 months and not being able to walk properly, the sun was shining and it was nice and warm.
As mentioned before I injured my back about 3 months earlier. One evening I returned home from work and just heard a loud cracking sound. I broke down and could barely breathe. The pain rushed through my spine and legs. Later in the hospital I got told that 4 disks just have prolapsed. Now I was here, with only 24 years old, suffering from disc herniation in 3 major parts of my spine.
Don’t lose Hope. Ever.
That certain sunny day, I was on my way to see a doctor. He was a specialist for spine injuries and was the first person that was able to help me within the healing process. The first time I went to his therapy I walked out and cried because I was able to almost walk like a normal person. After more than 3 months not even feeling my right leg — I walked! I was more than hopeful and positive about this therapy. I knew it would get me back to my health! So on this sunny day I went to his therapy again.
I wasn’t exactly excited to be in this therapy as it was awfully painful. Seriously I’d rather wax my whole body with one of those new charcoal masks. That day I first had to go through cupping on my back. I am talking about the round glasses that are heated up with flames and directly applied on your skin. Your skin gets sucked in from the heat and pressure in the glass and activate a strong blood circulation on applied points. Also you get massively bruised. After that I was lying on my belly while he was working on the lower spine near the hip bone. Every thing was fine, besides the horrible pain that made me feel so dizzy and sick.
Everything can change in just ONE second.
But suddenly everything changed. This doctor pulled down my undies in a quick move and stuck his fingers in my vagina from behind. Just like this.
I screamed at him, jumped up, pulled my pants up and put on the rest of my clothes. I asked why the hell he was doing that and his reply was “I usually don’t have young and attractive women here so I had to try how this feels like”. Wait. What the actual fuck?! Did he just really said that?
I was terribly shocked, felt sick, didn’t know what to do and was just lost. I hurt my back again from jumping up from the bench so I was in horrible pain, too.
I paid the bill, got a receipt and told him he just raped me. I said any penetration of genitals without the consent of the person whose genitals that are, is rape! I said I will go to the police to report him and if he realizes what he just did. I just couldn’t believe it. He repeated he thinks it is OK because he had to try how that feels on a young woman.
I walked away. I wanted to run, I really wanted nothing else but to run, but the pain was killing me and I had to just keep on walking. I threw up somewhere outside. I felt so sick, I couldn’t hold it back.
The doctor who I thought will safe my health just raped me.
He not only violated my very personal space, he also killed my hope for help with my back injury.
My world stopped rotating for a second.
I called my 2 best friends one after another and told them all about it. I couldn’t breathe when I tried explaining what just happened. Then I went home. Took about 5 showers. Cried. Threw up. Cried again.
It’s been 6 years now since that has happened. And don’t you think the police report brought him into jail. It actually ended up in the archive. I won’t make comments on that.
After all those years now I realized how much this criminal incident effected me. Not only did I change my way of approaching guys or the way I react when they approach me but also did I stop having one night stands or flings. Don’t get me wrong, I tried again but it just didn’t feel right or wasn’t fun at all any more.
I am a Survivor. Not a Victim.
One thing that being raped taught me was that my body is more than just a playground. It’s a temple. My temple. And it’s holy to me. I will not give it away any more for a simple fuck.
But the hardest thing I had to learn was, that I had to step up my ‘life game’. I always thought I was good in getting to know people and their intentions quickly. I thought I knew when I met people who were not good for me. But I didn’t. I had to learn the hard way that selecting was not my strengths just yet and that I had to put up some serious rules of how people can treat me.
It’s not just about the rape it was also about false friendships, people who’d use me only for certain things and otherwise wouldn’t be bothered to be my friends or who simply had wrong intentions of meeting me.
I learned a lot since. Although I am still looking to learn certain self-defense practices, I promise you I can kick balls now, literally. I also learned to make a difference between acquaintanceship, friendship and people you just spend a good night out with and then move on. And I learned that this is not a bad thing either. I don’t have to be friends with everyone.
But what this rape also did to me is understanding to take care of myself much better. I don’t have to go out with people I just met while travelling, if I don’t feel like it. And it’s not because I am unsocial but for my own comfort — and maybe even for my own safety.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not being anti-social. I don’t want to tell you to stay away from people. What I am saying is, it is important to learn to read and understand people. Know their intentions. Do they just talk? Or do they put it into actions? Do their actions match their words? It’s all about awareness. Learn to trust your gut-feeling. It is always right.
Being raped is not my fault. And don’t you dare thinking it is.
To be honest, nothing could have saved me from being raped. It is not my fault. Running it through my head over and over again, there were no signs, no talk, no way I could have seen this coming.
But it taught me a lot and for the lessons I will be grateful. Grateful for that I can take care better in the future. Grateful for that I may be able to help other girls and women to prevent unwanted situations, if they just listen to their guts and learn how to see some signs.
Today, being able to write and talk about this is only possible as I distanced myself from this rape. I chose not to suffer from it anymore, but rather use my experiences to help, to motivate, to make people understand. Please don’t get me wrong. It still deeply hurts me when I think and talk about it and I have all kinds of emotions about this rape. But I like to highlight that I chose to not let him win. He will not make me suffer from this my whole life. I will not break apart. I am stronger than his sick mind and behavior.
I hope to be able to make everyone more aware, to make you more aware. Aware of people’s intentions. Aware of this so called ‘rape-culture’ that is going on right now in our world. Aware of yourself and your surroundings.
Be aware. Every minute. Every day.
But I also want to make sure you understand, that this is not your fault. Should you have been in a similar/same situation, please know: This is never your fault!
Sometimes we can do everything in our power to protect ourselves and we still can’t prevent it.
For this I want to let you know, you are stronger than you think. And you are amazing. This can not break you!
What we can do is, grow stronger. Be aware. Don’t be afraid. Always trust your gut-feeling. And you will see you’ll be able to understand the world in a different perspective. In a perspective that might keep you a little safer. And much stronger.
A little side note:
Writing this, doesn’t only make me feel sick, but more raging angry than anything in the world. Having to write how I needed to step up my ‘life game’ because some one decided “it’s ok” to rape me, feels more than unfair to me. It makes me fucking sick. In addition knowing that I am not the only one, that in fact there are so many women and also men who have experienced sexual violence, is just another proof that this world has to change. Right now! Be the change.
A second and important side note:
Should you feel like you need or want to talk, need help, feel like you can’t go anywhere else here is my offer:
I will ALWAYS be here for anyone who is a survivor and need a trustful person to reach out to. I am not a counselor, nor a lawyer nor am I able to give legal advises. BUT: I feel you and have been through it, so I offer you an open ear, without judgement, words of encouragement and if you like I am happy to give you a coaching session when you worked through all of it and when you are ready to push forward. #WeAreSurvivors